Lessons in Listening

This post is by Miriam Bader, the founder of miriam bader consulting. As a learning designer, Miriam partners with people and organizations to design impactful programs, leadership, and organizational structures that strengthen the ability to lead, learn, and make social impact. Miriam is a facilitator, coach, strategist, and curriculum writer with backgrounds in museum education and human resources.

“To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”  ― Mark Nepo  

When people ask me what I do, I often respond, “I help people and organizations to listen so that they can achieve their impact.” Learning to listen has been a lifelong quest and one that continues to fascinate and motivate my work. 

As a kid, books were my first passageway into the mystery of listening. I was in awe of a story’s capacity to offer entry into an alternate universe – a place where access is granted to experiences one never physically had, and voices and emotions can be felt for characters living within pages. I remain astounded by the ability to hold someone else’s unique perspective and by the range of interpretations people have who read the same book. When I first saw movies and theater inspired by books, I was most unsettled by this reality. Their interpretations frequently did not mirror my perception and forced me to wrestle with the space between our understandings, where experiences and beliefs shape our insights and imaginations. 

Over time this disconcert became a quest to understand listening. How is it that two human beings frequently hear the same thing differently? My focus shifted from the listening that happens through reading books to the things that happen when people listen or fail to listen in real life. This curiosity extended to the ways colleagues could attend the same meeting and leave with divergent impressions of what was said, and partners who might be having two entirely different experiences of the same conversation. The practice of listening can be maddening. It can be a major source of frustration and miscommunication. It is also essential for living. 

Throughout my career I have tried to make sense of what it means to listen. I have studied inquiry-based learning, active listening, coaching conversations, and the science of listening. I regularly teach workshops breaking down listening levels and skills. Sometimes, I still fail at listening. The quest continues, as does my drive to strengthen this capacity in myself and others. 

Here are some of the core lessons I have learned about listening. 

1. Listen to yourself before listening to others 

Before heading into a conversation, pause to ask yourself some key questions. Do I have the bandwidth to hear someone else right now? What is my receptivity range? Will I be able to stay present in the conversation? These questions help identify one’s internal state. If a to-do list or something else is demanding your attention, make a counteroffer and request to have the conversation later. Even a five-minute delay can shift one’s ability to intentionally arrive into the conversation with the cognitive and emotional capacity to listen. 

2. Prepare the space for listening

Distraction is the enemy of listening. Having the conversation in an environment that minimizes the likelihood of distraction, increases your ability to listen. Consider the conversation format: face to face, video, and phone. Both the format and the setting offer opportunities to set oneself up for optimal listening by reducing surrounding distractions. This might look like closing computer windows, silencing notifications, placing a device out of reach, or simply clearing your table. Presence requires effort. Making time to reduce distractions increases one’s ability to stay in conversation despite the many competing things vying for attention. 

3. Listen with your whole body

Consider body language – both your own and the person you are in conversation with. The entire body is attuned to listening. We gather meaning through tone, energy, and sensations. When one listens to facial expressions, eyes and mouths speak volumes. When one hears through hands, sweat and tension convey information. When one tunes into the gut, they might hear what is resonating. Bring awareness to body language and to what else is present underneath and alongside the words. Be curious about your own feelings and the other person’s emotions, and don’t be shy about bringing them into the conversation. I notice how your voice got excited when it talked about X, what’s there for you? I am sensing some heat surrounding this topic, what’s at stake here for each of us?

4. Listen with a willingness to be changed by what you hear 

Opening oneself up to learning from every conversation is a critical aspect of listening. This orientation helps prevent participants from getting stuck in their perspective or overly defensive, which can shut down listening. This mindset requires humility, respect, and generosity. This can be done by shifting the focus from the internal discourse of thinking about what one might say next, and instead focusing on what might one learn. It is often demonstrated by asking clarifying questions such as: Let me make sure I heard you correctly… Do I have that right? and Can you tell me more about… 

Of all the listening lessons I have shared, this lesson is the one I have had to learn over and over again. It is also the one that leads to meaningful listening and productive dialogue.